


After

by Aiobhlin



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, F/M, Friendship, Grief, Grief Sex, pure headcanon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-11
Updated: 2014-10-11
Packaged: 2018-02-20 18:58:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2439320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aiobhlin/pseuds/Aiobhlin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Lee arrives for Zak's graduation, the surprises keep coming.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Party

**Author's Note:**

> Total headcanon. In my files, this is part of the same work as Don't Speak.

He didn’t see her again for two years. Sure, Zak would talk about her when they got together for holidays and visits, but he always made an excuse when he was invited over to their apartment. He kept hoping to hear that they had gone their separate ways, but every time they met, Zak seemed to be more and more serious about her. He wondered, privately, if she felt the same way.

He dated other women. He had always liked blonds before, now he found himself almost exclusively dating brunettes, anything to dispel Kara’s face from hanging over him during sex, to keep from feeling her body sweat against his chest. However, no matter how much he tried to distract himself, when he was alone in the dark, her image would come to mind as he stroked himself to orgasm. Afterward, he would feel both guilty and sad. Guilty that he still had feelings for Zak’s girlfriend, and sad that they would never be requited.

When he got the invitation to Zak’s graduation ceremony, he knew that he would have to face her. He thought about asking for a deep space deployment, but all his superiors knew his father and probably wouldn’t grant it. Then he’d have to answer awkward questions, and he felt awkward enough about his feelings for Kara as it was. So instead, he put in for leave and made plans to visit Picon.

Zak met him at the airport. “It’s so good to see you! I’m glad you came.” The brothers hugged. No matter what, Lee loved his brother.

“I’m really proud of you, Zak. Of course I would come to your graduation.” They moved toward the baggage claim.

“I’m sorry you’re not staying with us, though. You know you didn’t need to get a hotel room, right?”

“I know, Zak.” Lee hoped his voice sounded steady. “I know you like to celebrate, and I don’t want to be a downer on your parade. Besides, I’m going to visit some old friends and places I used to frequent.”

“You have friends?” Zak laughed. “C’mon, Lee. In all seriousness, you wouldn’t be a downer. At least come to the party for a little while, ok?” Zak’s voice was filled with enthusiasm, and his face was filled with joy and hope. Lee felt his resolve crumbling.

“Alright, I’ll come for a little bit. But I’m an old man now and I need my sleep, so I’m not going to close the place down or anything.” _Hopefully, with a bunch of people around, I won’t get into any trouble, either._ Lee swallowed and then noticed the look on his brother’s face. He quickly forced himself to smile and look relaxed. “I’m sure it will be a great time. I haven’t partied, not really, since my own graduation.”

“You are such a loser!” Zak said, punching Lee on the arm. But he quickly changed the subject to how much he was looking forward to his first assignment. All the seniors would be finding out their post-graduation assignments the week before graduation. It was always a big event. Most people got what they wanted, a few didn’t, but everyone enjoyed the excuse to drink and let loose. It was one of the few times that the pips on your collar didn’t matter. They gathered the bags and headed to Zak’s car for the trip to the hotel.

Lee was looking out the window, letting his mind wander, when suddenly something that Zak said made his head jerk up. “You’re going to what?”

“I’m auditioning to do the flyby during the graduation ceremony at the end of the week. It’s not going to be anything like the flyby that you did when you graduated War College, but I know Dad will really like it if I can do it.”

“Wow, Zak, I didn’t know that you felt that confident in your skills. I know when we’ve talked about flying before you’ve always been more interested in the physics of the flying than the actual flying itself.”

“Yeah, well, it may also have to do with impressing my girl.” Zak blushed.

Lee swallowed and chose his words carefully. He was glad Zak was driving so he had to keep his eyes on the road. “So, you and Kara are still a thing?”

“Still a thing? Hell yeah we’re still a thing.” He paused, as if gathering himself, and then said, “I’m going to make an announcement after graduation, but I’ll let you know first: Kara and I are going to get married! Isn’t that amazing?!” Zak’s enthusiasm was palpable, but Lee felt kicked in the gut.

“Married,” he said slowly. “Are you sure you’re ready for this? I mean, it’s not like you had a lot of girlfriends before Kara, and once you’re commissioned and out in the real world, things change. I have lots of friends who were couples in the Academy and it didn’t last more than six months once they were assigned to different battlestars.”

“Lee, you worry too much!” Zak took his eyes off the road for a moment to lightly punch his brother on the arm. “I already talked to Dad and asked him to pull some strings to get us both on the same ship. Kara’s probation was up last year but she stayed on an extra year while I graduated, so she’s looking for a new assignment, too. With “The Great Husker’s” influence, we shouldn’t have a problem.” When Zak mentioned his father’s callsign, he made his voice sound like a booming announcer. Lee blinked, remembering the way Kara had looked when he accused her of being a fearless warrior. _No, you need to let that go, Apollo. She obviously found a way to be more serious._

“Well, I hope it works out for you.” Lee meant it. Above all, he wanted his brother to be happy. “When will she find out?”

“Not until after graduation. They put all the rooks out there first and then place the seniors where they’ll do the most good.”

“Well then,” Lee said, reaching over to grip Zak’s shoulder, “I hope it works out for you. Congratulations. If you need anything from me, you know you can always call me, right?”

“I know,” Zak smiled and looked over again. “You’ve always been such a great brother to me, Lee. I know I don’t say it much, but I really appreciate you. I love you.”

Lee swallowed and looked forward. “I love you too, Zak.” They pulled up to the hotel and Lee was glad to have something to distract him from the thoughts of when he wasn’t such a great brother.

“Listen, Lee, are you going to be okay? I promised Kara I would head back and help her get set up.”

“Yeah, sure, no problem,” Lee said. “I was going to rent a car anyways and visit some old haunts. You know, give you some time to celebrate without your stodgy older brother hanging around.”

“Haha, you are a pompous bastard,” Zak teased. “Party starts at 1800. You remember the way?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there,” Lee said. He still wasn’t convinced this was a good idea. He figured he’d come a little late just so there’d be plenty of people there.

“Great!” Zak’s smile was like a sunbeam. “See you then!” He sped off, leaving Lee shaking his head on the curb. His brother did often throw caution to the wind. He picked up his bags and headed into the hotel.

B

S

G

He heard the party way before he saw it. The apartment complex was mostly veterans and students, so he wasn’t surprised when it seemed like the whole place was one big party. As he walked up to the door, he saw some people who looked familiar enough to be Zak’s friends smoking in the parking lot. He realized that his polo shirt and slacks were a little more formal than the occasion required, but he just shrugged. _It’s not like I’m going to stay long, anyway._ He gently maneuvered his way through the bodies and went down the stairs. He noticed that there was new artwork on the walls. _I like it. It reminds me of space._ He made a note to comment on it if he got the chance.

Zak found him first, and threw his arms around his brother’s neck. “Lee! So glad you could make it! You gotta try some of the food, man, Kara really outdid herself!” From the sound and the smell of him, Zak either got started early, or had a lot to drink in a short time.

“Still can’t hold your liquor, can you?” Lee hugged his brother and helped him back to his feet when he stumbled. “Gotta slow down if you want to make it to the end of the party this time!” He smiled indulgently at his younger brother.

“Man, you’re such a killjoy!” Zak wavered a bit as he stood and threw an arm around Lee’s shoulders. “You gotta live a little! This is why you can’t find a good woman!” Zak punctuated his words with a finger pointed at Lee’s chest, but the effect was dampened by the slur in his words and the swaying of his torso. _My lack of drinking has nothing to do with why I don’t have a woman, Zak. It has more to do with you already having the woman._ Instead he smiled.

“Alright, I’ll make it to the food. Anything I should try?”

“Everything, man, everything!” Zak threw his arms out to the side and stumbled again. Then a friend of his waved him over to the living room, where the furniture had been pushed up against the wall to create a dance space. Zak raised his bottle to a sloppy salute at his brother, then turned and pushed his way over to his friends.

Lee found the food, and grabbed himself a small plate and a bottle of beer before settling against the wall and watching all the people. _They’re so young._ He was glad that the cylons hadn’t shown up in more than 30 years. These kids wouldn’t know what to do with one. He wasn’t sure he’d know what to do with one, but at least he was flying almost every day, and did training exercises on the _Atlantia_. Since getting promoted to full lieutenant, his CAG had started letting him plan some training exercises. He had the feeling he was being groomed for command, but if he was honest with himself, all he wanted to do was fly. His contract was up for renewal and he had a feeling he was going to re-sign, just so he could stay in a viper.

He had finished his food and his beer and was thinking about leaving when he heard her laugh. Suddenly, the noise in the room disappeared and his eyes were drawn to her. She was talking with some cadet and laughing. _Her smile is still so beautiful._ He watched her put an arm around the cadet and lean in, forehead to forehead, obviously enjoying the blush of the younger man. _Gods, she’s not even yours, Apollo, quit being jealous!_ Lee tried to convince himself that his anger was because she was betraying Zak, but he knew it wasn’t.

Zak stumbled over to her, and just like that the cadet was forgotten. Lee watched as Zak slid his arms around her waist from behind her, and noted the delight on her face as she turned and kissed him, wrapping her arms around his neck. He watched as her smile disappeared and the kiss obviously deepened, watched as Zak bent her backwards a little bit. He was about to turn away when he noticed his brother stumble, and suddenly Kara was laughing again and pushing him away. Lee ignored the sick feeling in his stomach as he stared at them. _This was a terrible idea._ He was done. He found a trashcan and the recycle bin and then quietly maneuvered back through the throng until he was outside. _Frak. I don’t know why I thought that would be easy._ He should have known better. Nothing about his feelings for Kara was easy.

He just stood there for a while, listening to the sounds of the party while he tried to figure out what to do next.  He had started toward his rental car when he heard her call his name. He froze and closed his eyes. _This is not happening_. He’d been both dreading and hoping that they would get to talk.

“Lee! Where do you think you’re going?” His name sounded like music on her lips, so different from the last time she had said it. He shook his head to clear his mind before turning around. He was proud of himself that when he saw her he managed to suck in his breath only a little. She was wearing that smile that lit up her face, and ran up to him, but stopped just short of giving him a hug. Their eyes met and suddenly her smile disappeared. He still felt drawn to her. That familiar, at-home feeling was still there, despite the two years it’d been since they saw each other, despite how they parted. _She can’t feel the same way. She can’t. She’s marrying Zak._ They just stood there for several minutes, staring at each other, before Lee pulled himself together.

“So, Zak tells me you’re getting married?” It was the last thing he wanted to talk about, but it was the only thing he could think of, and it kept him from reaching across to touch her face. He put his hands in his pockets and shuffled his feet a little, looking down.

“Um, yeah,” she said, shaking her head a little and giving him a bemused expression. “We aren’t really telling anyone until after graduation, but it’s been a few years, so a lot of people have probably already guessed.”

“And this is what you want? I mean, I love Zak, but he’s really young,” Lee said carefully. He was testing the water, seeing if she might still feel the way that he felt.

Something that might have been anger flashed in Kara’s eyes. “Yes, this is what I want. Your brother is a good man, Lee.” Her eyes bored into him, as if challenging him to defy her.

“Well, then, I’m happy for you,” he managed to force out. “I’m glad you got from ‘not really serious’ to love. I know he loves you.”

“Yeah,” she murmured. “He does.” Lee noted that she didn’t reply that she loved Zak, too, and wondered what that meant. _Stop reading into it._

“Um, I don’t know if I’ll be able to make the wedding. It will depend on when it is, of course.” He didn’t add that he would probably try to find a way to not make the wedding at all if he could help it. The last thing he needed was to watch her pledge her life to another man, and his brother at that.

“Well, it’s going to be a while from now. We’re not setting any dates yet. Neither of us has our next assignment, and then we have to coordinate leave, and then there’s frat regs to think about…” She trailed off, hugging herself, and looked away. Then she took a deep breath and looked back at him. Her face was carefully still. He wondered if she looked like this when she played triad. “Anyway, no matter when we do it, it will be small. I like big parties, but not when everyone’s looking at me.”

“Yeah.” Lee was suddenly really uncomfortable. “Well, I’m going to go. I hope you enjoy the rest of your party.” He was careful to only glance at her before looking away again. “See you,” he said, and started to turn away.

“Lee…” she started. The sound of her voice gave him hope, but when he turned around, he saw her face settle into something that looked like resignation. “I’ll see you at graduation.”

“Yeah.” He swallowed. “See you then.”

He felt her eyes on his back as he walked away, and it wasn’t until he turned the corner that he really felt like he could breathe again. He stopped and leaned against a wall. _Lee, you frakking idiot. She has never, ever been yours, she will never be yours, and you need to move the frak on._ He shook himself, stood up, and went in search of a bar.

When he woke up in the morning it took him a few minutes before he realized that he was neither in his rack back at the _Atlantia_ nor in the hotel room he had checked into the day before. He stretched a little and started when he felt someone’s warm breath on his back. As he rolled over, he saw the sleepy brunette sleeping beside him. _What’s her name? Natali? Frak._ He remembered meeting her at the bar, buying her some shots, and dancing with her, but he didn’t remember anything else. He gently slid out of the bed and found his clothes, which were scattered a bit farther than he would expect, and dressed silently. He wrote her a quick note _(Thanks for a great night)_ but didn’t sign it or leave a number, and quietly let himself out. He took a deep breath. His head was killing him.

“Frak, you need a shower, Apollo.” He looked around until he located the exit sign, then found his way to his car. First stop: coffee, then back to the hotel for a shower.

B

S

G

 

He talked to his brother a couple of times that week, but mostly found ways to entertain himself and avoid seeing Kara again. His heart still hurt knowing that she was about to marry Zak, and he hated himself for that. He visited his mother, who was still a drunk, and visited the war museum at headquarters.

It was about 1030 on the last day of the week when Lee’s phone rang. He didn’t recognize the number, so he let it go to voicemail, but it immediately rang again from the same number, so he picked it up.

“This is Lee Adama,” he said.

“Lee,” said a gruff voice. Immediately Lee got angry. His father never called him.

“Commander,” Lee replied formally.

“Lee, I need to meet with you. There’s something I need to tell you.”

“I don’t know what you would need to talk to me about that we can’t discuss over the phone. We’ll see each other at the graduation.” Lee realized he was clenching his jaw and forced himself to relax.

“No,” said his father. “I need to tell you this in person. I’m in the lobby of your hotel right now, but they rang your room and you weren’t there. I need you to meet me here as soon as you can.” The elder Adama sounded serious, but to Lee he always sounded serious.

“I’m fairly busy today, Commander, perhaps we can do this at a different time?” He didn’t even try to keep the derision out of his voice.

“No!” His father’s voice was suddenly sharp. Lee blinked in surprise and waited. He could hear his father take a breath on the other end of the line. “Present yourself in 30 minutes, Lieutenant.” The line went dead, but Lee just stood there in the park and fumed. He hated when his father pulled rank. He warred with himself, debating defying this order, but in the end he made himself walk to his car and drive back to the hotel.

He knew something was wrong as soon as he saw his father. William Adama was a consummate military man, and he was always well-groomed and clean-shaven. However, today he had at least a day’s stubble on his chin, and his button front civilian shirt was untucked on one side. _Whatever it is, he’s going to have to deal with it himself. I’m done doing things for him._ Lee walked up and stood at attention in front of his father. “Commander. Presenting as ordered.” He saluted, avoiding eye contact. But his father, instead of returning the salute, pulled Lee into his arms and gave him an awkward hug. Lee didn’t really know what to do, so he lowered his arms and put his hands on Bill’s shoulders. “Dad, what’s going on?”

“Let’s go upstairs to your room, son. We should talk about this in private.” Bill’s voice caught as he spoke, and when he pulled away Lee noticed that his eyes were red-rimmed and puffy. _Has he been crying? What the frak is going on?_

“Dad…” he began.

“No, Lee. Let’s go upstairs.” Lee sighed and led the way to the elevator.

When they got into the room, Lee turned and faced his father. “Are you going to tell me what this is about now?” He tried to sound angry, but the truth was, he was starting to become afraid. There was a gnawing fear in the pit of his stomach that he couldn’t avoid. His father moved over to the table in the corner of the room and sat.

“Sit down, son.”

Lee started to argue, but took another look at his father’s tear-stricken face and decided to just sit.

“There was an accident this morning. Cadet pilots were auditioning for the graduation flyover, and Zak….” Bill Adama’s voice trailed off, and he took a deep breath and took off his glasses. “Zak’s viper crashed, and he was killed.”

Lee just sat there in shock. _Zak is….dead? It can’t be real. Zak is so full of life! He was excited about the future! He was going to get married! He was…he was never supposed to be in a viper. Zak was a smart kid, but vipers? Not really his thing._ Suddenly Lee was angry.

“This is your fault,” he bit out. “Zak would have never joined the military if you hadn’t pushed him into it.”

“Let’s not lay blame right now, son.” Bill sounded tired, but Lee didn’t care.

“No!” It was a shout. “Zak should be in a lab somewhere, working on physics and engineering, not dead on the tarmac because of a viper crash! Not everyone is meant to fly vipers, Dad, but you could never see that, could you?! Oh no, the sons of the _Great Husker_ will of course be viper pilots. ‘A man isn’t a man until he wears the wings of a viper pilot.’ Sound familiar?” Lee was spitting out the words, pacing. He was furious. “All he wanted to do was make you proud! And it killed him!”

“Are you finished?” said his father. It was quiet, and sad. “I wanted to let you know in person, but I can see that was a mistake. I’ll let your mom tell you about the funeral arrangements.” Bill stood up slowly and put his glasses back on. He didn’t look at Lee as he shuffled toward the door. Lee ignored how old his father looked in that moment. He didn’t want anything to distract from his anger. Bill opened the door and paused, looking out into the hallway. “I love you, son,” he said simply, and then walked out of the room, closing the door quietly.

Lee just stood there for several moments, staring at the door. _What just happened?_ He sat down heavily on the bed. Now that his father had left, he found that he had nothing but questions. _What kind of crash? Did anyone else die or get hurt? What happened? Why wasn’t I there? Why did Zak ever get in a cockpit to begin with?_ All he could see when he closed his eyes was his brother’s innocent, smiling face, and a viper crashing into the tarmac in a firey blaze.

“I can’t take this,” he said aloud to the empty room. He stuffed some workout clothes into a small duffel and stormed out, determined to find a gym to work out his angst. 


	2. Fallout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara turns to Lee--to get her out of hack.

At 0800 his phone started ringing again. At first, he was confused about where he was, but this time he was in his own hotel room, alone. _At least I didn’t bring someone random home last night._ He remembered going to the gym, and working on a punching bag for hours, and then he showered and stopped by a bar….and that was it. He had a headache, but what else was new. His phone kept ringing. It took him a minute to figure out that it was the hotel’s room phone instead of his cell, and he went to pick it up.

“Adama.” He said curtly. Damn, he needed some pain medication. He rubbed the heel of his hand against his eyes.

“Lee?”

Suddenly Lee was wide awake. “Kara?”

“Lee,” Kara breathed. “I need a favor.”

Lee was too shocked to think. “Yeah, Kara, what do you need?”

“Well, I’m in the brig on the Academy base, can you come and pick me up?”

“What?!” Lee was incredulous. “What did you do?”

“Does it matter, Lee? I just need a ride out of here and I have no one else to call.” She sounded annoyed, but he was sure her annoyance was just hiding desperation.

“Yeah, yeah, okay,” he said, looking around the room to try and figure out where all his clothes were. The room was a complete mess. He vaguely remembered throwing things around when he got in last night. “Give me an hour, I’ll be there.”

He decided to wear his uniform with the nameplate, just in case. He didn’t know what Kara did, but if his dad was good for anything, it was name-dropping. He signed in with the guard and was given a small bag with Kara’s things: her dog tags, a silver ring, her boot laces, a wallet, a key ring, a cellphone, and a bunch of extra cubits sitting around loose. Then he was led into the back to Kara’s cell, where he found her doing pushups. He nodded to the guard, who unlocked the door and left. Kara got up when she heard the noise.

“Kara? What the hell happened?” He handed her the bag of stuff. She first pulled out her tags and slipped them over her head, then started re-lacing her boots.

“I was at a bar and got into a fight. It happens.” She refused to look at him.

“How often does this happen, exactly?” Lee didn’t even realize that his anger was inappropriate to the girlfriend of his dead brother. He was just annoyed with her for getting herself arrested.

She finished lacing her boots and stuffed the money, keys, cellphone, and wallet into her pockets, then noticed the ring in the bottom. She sat down on the small cot and pulled it out, staring at it.

“Kara?” he asked. The look on her face was…lost. He never thought he’d see a look like that on her. Even when she was talking about dying, she had looked so serene, so sure….he didn’t know what to do with this version of her.

She blinked and shook her head, then slid the ring onto her thumb without looking at it. Only her shaking breath gave her away.

“It’s nothing, Lee, just drop it. Can we go now?” She looked up at him for the first time since he arrived, and her eyes reflected nothing but pain. For the first time, instead of a wave of desire washing over him, he wanted to reach out and comfort her. He took a step forward and reached out his hand to touch her shoulder, but she took a step back and rolled it out of the way. “Please, can we go?”

He dropped his hand and put it in his pocket. “Yeah, Kara, we can go.” She threw the bag into the trash on the way out the door and left with her head high. They got in the car and he started to leave the base. “Where, exactly, would you like me to take you? Back to your apartment?”

“No!” she said, a little too vehemently. “Can we go to your hotel? I don’t really want to be around people but I don’t want to be alone.”

“Sure, we can go there.” Lee carefully merged into traffic. When the light was red, he chanced a glance over at her. She was playing with the ring on her thumb, but looking out the window. He thought she might be crying, but decided not to mention it.

When they got to his hotel room, housekeeping had already come by, so the bed was made and his clothes were neatly piled in a corner at least.  Kara walked in and hopped onto the bed. “Nice digs, Apollo!” She seemed to be trying to be her old self, and Lee warred with himself about whether or not to confront her about it. In the end, he decided to play along, for now.

“Yeah, I didn’t want to stay on base, and apparently this hotel has a military discount. I haven’t taken a vacation in two years so I had some time and money stashed up and decided to splurge.” He didn’t mention the reason he had come to Picon to begin with. He didn’t want to think about it. _Zak._ He shook his head to rid himself of the thought. “So what happened last night?”

“Same old, same old. Some asswipe didn’t like that I took him for over 100 cubits during a card game and flipped the table. I wasn’t about to put up with that so I decked him. The civilian police came and broke it up, but when they found out I was military they sent me to the base, and in the morning I called your hotel, because I didn’t know what else to do.” She shrugged. “Thanks, by the way.”

“Yeah, don’t mention it.” He was looking at her face. She was lying down on the bed, looking at the ceiling with her legs hanging off of the side. She’d found one of his pyramid balls and was throwing it into the air above her and catching it. He sat in the chair that his father had sat in the day before, and watched her. He was sure that to most people she would seem relaxed and nonchalant, but he noticed the tightness in her shoulders and abs, the set of her jaw. She wasn’t smiling, just kind of staring. She just looked…broken. He didn’t know what to do.

“Can we get some food?” Kara suddenly said. “I’m starving.”

“Sure, are you buying? You’re the one with all the cash.”

She chuffed. “Yeah, I guess. I owe you anyway, c’mon.”

B

S

G

The day went pretty much like that. They went and got burgers, scalped tickets to a pyramid game, got ice cream in the park, and generally talked about anything besides Zak. They had finished their ice cream and were walking back to the car when Kara said, “Hey, Lee. Wanna go get a drink?”

“What, and have to fish you out of the brig again in the morning?”

“I’ll behave, I swear.”

“Kara, somehow I think that you couldn’t promise that if you wanted to. No, I think I’m done. Tomorrow...” He paused to swallow the lump that had just risen in his throat. “Tomorrow I have to call my mother.”

Kara froze. The playful smile that had been on her face a moment ago vanished, and she looked out across the park at a couple holding hands. “Right. Well, thanks for coming to get me today.”

Lee was instantly worried about her. _What is she going to do? She’s a ticking time bomb._ “Hey listen, Kara, why don’t you come back to the hotel with me? I can stop by the apartment and we can pick up some clothes for you. Just…take it easy for tonight, okay?”

She looked up at him and met his eyes again. The pain was still there. It had never left. Even with her smiles and her laughs, the pain had just stayed there. “Lee, I…” she paused, ran her hand through her hair, and then started playing with that ring again. “Sure. Sure, let’s go.” And she immediately turned and started walking toward the car.

Lee watched her walk, knowing what had sapped her exuberance. _Gods, what am I doing? Zak’s not even cold yet and I’m taking his girlfriend to my room._ He hadn’t meant anything sexual by it, and still didn’t, but he realized that he was taking care of her as if she was his girlfriend. _It’s the best I can do, Zak. She’s broken without you._ He jogged the few steps to catch up with her and they drove to her apartment.

“Do you want me to come in with you?” he asked. He wasn’t looking at her, and he sensed that she was grateful. She took a deep breath.

“No, I can do it,” she said. “I have a bug-out bag in the closet. I’ve always had one, ever since I was a teenager.” She took a deep, shaky breath. “I’ll just grab it and we can go.” She opened the door and walked over to the apartment, fishing out her keys. After about a minute, he thought he heard a crash, and was about to go in when he saw her come out, carrying a black duffel. Her right hand was bleeding.

“Kara! What the hell happened?” He reached under the passenger seat and pulled out his first aid kit.

“I cut my hand, what does it look like?”

“We should go inside and wash this.”

“Lee, shut the frak up and drive. We can take care of it there.” He looked at her face, and put his seatbelt back on.

“Okay.”

It was only a few minutes back to the hotel, and they quickly cleaned up her hand in the bathroom. She was right, it had looked worse than it was, and there was only one place that needed a small bandage. The rest of them were just scrapes. Lee wondered what she punched.

“Listen, Kara,” Lee said. “I’m going to take a shower and order some food. Tomorrow’s going to be a long day. Make yourself at home. Take a look at the room service menu if you want, this one can be on me.”

“Yeah, sure.” She picked up the menu kind of half-heartedly. He looked at her, his heart breaking, but he gathered some clothes and shut the door to the bathroom.

The best thing about hotel showers is that they never run out of hot water or pressure. While the _Atlantia_ had a great water system, there was just nothing like a landside hotel shower. He turned the water up as hot as he could stand it and just stood there under the spray with his eyes closed, wondering if the water could wash away his grief and guilt.  He didn’t hear the door open and close quietly, but did feel the draft.

“Kara? Is that you?”

She didn’t answer him, just slipped inside the shower in front of him, naked in body and soul. She stepped closer and put her hands on his shoulders, pressing her body against him. He couldn’t respond for a moment. _Haven’t I been dreaming about this? Am I dreaming now?_ But then he remembered Zak, and he took her hands and placed them in front of him.

“Kara, this is a terrible idea. Listen, if you want the shower I’ll give you some time, just let me grab a towel.”

“I don’t want a shower, Lee, I want you. And you want me too, I can tell.” She glanced pointedly at the erection that was starting to form.

“Kara, this isn’t right and you know it. Please, let me just…”words failed him because at that moment, she grabbed the sides of his face and kissed him, hard.

Her lips felt just the way he remembered, soft and firm, but this time, instead of ambrosia, she tasted like salt. She teased his lips with her tongue and he opened his mouth for her to possess, putting his hands on her waist and pulling her closer. She was soft to the touch but firm underneath. Her breasts were pressed against his chest and he could feel her breathing. Her fingers snaked up into his hair as they deepened the kiss, and it just felt so right, so perfect….

Lee pushed her away abruptly. “Kara, I can’t. We…we can’t.” He shut off the water and left the shower, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around himself. Kara climbed out after him.

“Lee, I need this.” Lee froze at the naked need in her voice. “Zak’s gone and all I can think about is joining him. I feel dead, Lee.” She turned his face to look at her. “Help me feel alive.” She kissed him then, pressing into his lips the fear and helplessness she felt. _I need to feel alive too, Gods help me. I’m sorry, Zak._ It was his last coherent thought before he gripped her elbows with his hands.

Kara bit his bottom lip, making him gasp. He reached his hands up to her shoulders and she tilted her head to give him access to her neck. He nibbled from her chin to her earlobe, which he sucked and scraped with his teeth. He was rewarded with her moan and her hands drifting down his chest. She pinched his nipples as he bit her neck, then kissed and sucked the mark gently. He pushed his cheek back against her face until they were kissing again. His hands were in her hair now and her arms moved around his waist so she could grip his ass and pull him toward her. They devoured each other, kissing hard and fast, tongues warring in between their mouths. She pushed him backward gently until they were against the door to the bathroom, and he reached behind him to open the door and lead her out, kissing her all the way to the bed.

He was drowning in her scent. It was spicy and soft and so _her._ He breathed it in like a man starving for air. She pushed him down on the bed so she was on top of him, and he put her hands on her hips, pulling her against his erection as he kissed her. When she went for his neck, he moved his right hand around to her thigh, pulling up against her ass. His fingertips could feel her heat. It drove him mad.

She pushed against his shoulders and then she was kissing and biting her way down his body. Her mouth covered one of his nipples while her fingernails scraped against the other. _How are nails that are so short so sharp?_ She bit the nipple in her mouth and he was surprised by how much it turned him on. He felt like the sensation went straight to his cock, and he bucked up against her, feeling her soft belly against his erection, wanting to feel more.

“Kara…” he breathed. Her hand went from his nipple to his mouth, covering it as she moved her way down.

“Shhh…” she said between kisses. Her tongue blazed a trail from his navel to the tip of his cock, and when she blew against the head gently, it jerked of its own accord. He groaned. “You like that?” she whispered. “Do you want me to….” She licked the tip. He grabbed a fistful of her hair and pushed her mouth down onto his dick, and choked out something that was half sob, half moan as she chuckled around it, but started to suck. _Gods she is good at sucking dick._ He refused to think about where she got her skills.

The sensations all blended together as her head bobbed up and down, sometimes slowly, sometimes faster. She used her teeth gently, and dug her fingernails into the spot where his thigh joined his body, right next to his scrotum. He arched his back and she pulled almost off of his cock with strong suction, then bit gently against the bottom of the head. This time, however, she didn’t let go, just slowly increased the pressure until the line between pleasure and pain started to blur for him.

“Kara, please!”

With his cry, she released his dick with a soft “pop” and climbed up on the bed on top of him. He pushed his way backwards so their legs weren’t hanging off of the sides. There were no glasses to break now, nobody on the couch to interrupt them. She ground her wetness against his cock and kissed him with abandon, scraping her nails up his torso as he dug his into her shoulder. This time it was her turn to arch her neck and back and make small noises. He kissed his way down her chest, one strong arm around her waist, and finally claimed one of her breasts with his mouth.

“Yes!” she hissed. “Oh gods!” It was all the encouragement he needed, and he licked and sucked and bit at her nipple. The hand that was on her shoulder moved to the other breast, and he moved his mouth to where her breast joined her chest right above her heart, and sucked. Her groans and whimpers egged him on until he felt the skin get hot under his tongue. Her hands were in his hair and he loved the feeling of her. He wanted to taste her, to see if all of her tasted the same way as she smelled.

He flipped her down so she was underneath him on the bed, and now was able to use both hands to cover her breasts as he kissed his way down her belly. “Turnabout’s fair play” he muttered into her abdomen, and she responded with a grunt and her hands gripping his hair tightly and pushing his head down between her thighs.

As he settled between her legs, the cloth of the bedspread rough against his cock, he refused to rush it. He breathed on her clitoris, moving his hands from her knees along her inner thighs, until his thumbs were pressed into the hollow in her groin. He reached out his tongue and just barely grazed her labia and was rewarded with her arching up off the bed and moaning. She was so wet he could taste her already.

“Hurry up!” she cried.

“No.” he said with a half-smile. He’d been dreaming about this for too long to not make it last. He moved his head a little closer and his tongue now grazed just inside her lips. He did this a couple of times before finally tickling her clit with the tip of it. She whined, a keening cry that broke his self-control. He buried his face in her, feeling her wetness pushing against his mouth, stabbing his tongue into her vagina. She clenched herself around it as he pulled out and applied himself to her clit, swirling around it in circles and sucking it gently. He used his teeth and let them scrape around it gently, loving the sounds she was making. He sucked and nibbled at her labia, then used his thumbs to hold her open while he drank of her.

He had no idea how long he was relishing her before he heard her breath come in tiny moans and felt her legs tense and tremble against his arms. He put two fingers inside her and applied his tongue to her clitoris, sucking harder and using his teeth until she arched against him, gripping his hair in tight fists, calling his name in a cry that reached to his soul. He licked her gently until he felt her relax and go limp. Then he gave her one last kiss and moved up her body, gently settling over her. He braced himself on one elbow while he stroked her gently from her hip to her breast with the other hand. He watched her as she came down, breathing hard. He used the hand that wasn’t stroking her to brush her hair away from her face. _Gods, she’s so beautiful. I could look at her for the rest of my life and be happy_. He was too caught up in the moment to think about what that meant.

Her eyes fluttered open and looked at him, and suddenly he felt it again, that same sense of familiarity and _home_ that he had felt the first time he saw her. He stopped stroking her side and brought his hand up to cup her face as he looked at her, and her hands held him around his ribs. They didn’t say any words, but when he bent to kiss her he felt it and knew she did, too.

She reached down with one hand and gripped his cock, stroking up and down and flicking her thumb across the tip until he was moaning in her mouth. When she gave him a little tug he understood, and shifted onto his knees so she could guide him into her. As he slid in, he felt her warmth and wetness envelop him, and he was sure this is what it felt like to be in the presence of the gods.

“Kara!” he whispered as he pushed against her. She didn’t respond, just put her hands against his ass and pushed him as far as she could. When she relaxed, he started moving his hips slowly, teasing as he removed himself almost completely, then driving back into her hard, making her body move up against the bed, and her head tilt back. He loved the way she moaned, so he did it again. Her nails scratched up his back, hard, and he started to move faster, losing some strength to speed but still hitting her as hard as he could with his body.

“Hurt me,” she whispered as he sucked on her neck. She bit his earlobe, making him lift his head and make a noise. “Make me feel it.”

Her words drove him crazy, and he gripped her hip hard with one hand while the other made a fist in her hair and pulled her head back, exposing her throat. He growled softly as he attacked her neck again, pounding into her over and over, then scraped his teeth across her chest and bit the breast he hadn’t left a hickey on. She moaned his name in a high pitch and pushed against him as hard as he was pushing against her. Her nails dug down his back again and again before settling on his ass and digging in. He dug his fingers into her ass in return, still keeping the hand in her hair tight, and moved her head so he could kiss her, hard. He felt it building in his belly, knew he was going to come, and with his next thrust he pushed into her and didn’t pull back this time. She opened her eyes and looked at him, and he ordered, “Come.”

She whined again and arched her back, and then she cried his name and he felt her convulsing around him and he lost control. He released her hair and rested his elbows next to her ribs, and pushed on her shoulders as he slammed into her, over and over, until he saw stars in the corner of his vision, and then he was exploding, the pieces of him drifting into the nebulae he flew past, as he shuddered his release into her body and collapsed on top of her.

As they caught their breath, he rolled to the side of her, slipping one arm behind her neck. He pulled her toward him with the other hand. He wasn’t going to let her get away. He felt her breathing become slower and more regular as his heartbeat slowed, and when he looked up, he realized that she was asleep. She looked so vulnerable and yet so beautiful, and he just watched her for a few moments. _I wonder how long it’s been since she slept._ He would have stayed like that forever except he started to get cold, so he slipped away from her and gently pulled the covers down below her body, then lifted them over her as he slid back in next to her. She snuggled back into him and he wrapped his arms around her. _What the hell am I going to say to her in the morning?_ He decided not to worry about it and fell asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There may be more to this...I have headcanon for the entire series I need to work out. But for now, this is what I have.


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